Global warming is very real and very serious

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Global warming is very real and very serious

By Travis Doyle
Columnist

It has recently been brought to my attention that global warming is a very serious problem and that we, as human beings, must treat it with all the seriousity that we can muster. First and foremost, we must destroy all volcanoes. After that, we have to consider the facts.
The biggest fact is that carbon dioxide, or CO2, causes global warming. We all have seen this on television, we all have heard the disaster reports, and it really doesn't matter that at times in Earth's history there have been three to 10 times as much CO2 in the atmosphere without the world coming to an end, because now it will cause the world to end. There are no hidden agendas, there is no propaganda in regards to this subject, there are just people dying from global warming. And those people could be you.
Another big fact that people should know is that Al Gore supports efforts to reduce global warming, and he was almost president. Why would anyone who isn't president lie to us? Why would his ice core samples show a correlation between CO2 in the atmosphere and warming temperatures, yet fail to comment on the fact that the correlation is skewed in the opposite direction? Just because CO2 levels in his core samples rise 800 years later than global temperatures themselves have raised doesn't mean we shouldn't believe him. After all, he was almost president.
Furthermore, just because in the post-war economic boom between 1940 and 1970, when our nation was increasing its CO2 emissions by the greatest leaps and bounds in history, and global temperatures were lowering, doesn't mean that global warming isn't happening now. Even though the same types of environmental scientists who are propagating global warming now are the ones that were predicting global cooling in the '70s, they have it right this time, and we need to listen to them or die.
Look, I know what a lot of you are thinking: ''But I went on Google Video and watched the UK documentary called, 'The Great Global Warming Swindle,' which clearly points out, with the aid of scientists from around the world, that global warming really isn't feasible.''
Well, there are a lot of scientists supporting global warming as well, and they're getting a lot of grant money for doing it. Who are you going to trust: scientists ��?or scientists? I am going to put my life in the hands of scientists. Do whatever you want with yours.
And I'm sure that there are some people out there are going to say, ''But I read the article in The New York Times by Frederick Seitz, the former president of the National Academy of Sciences, and he said that there were a great deal of omissions in the global warming report shown to the UN, and that scientists who dropped out of the project still had their names added to it, despite the fact that they didn't support the text within.'' Do I really have to ask if you're going to put stock in what the former president of the National Academy of Sciences says about anything scientific? Just because he has all the credibility a man could ever need on the subject doesn't mean that he is right. And he is not right, and if you believe him, you will die.
But the real issue that I'm going to encourage people to take up, in writing this column, is to destroy volcanoes. Volcanoes produce more CO2 than any man, machine or industry on the planet combined. Volcanoes are going to kill us if we don't kill them first. Everyone needs to look around, grab something pointy and start stabbing at the nearest volcano.
Remember, folks, if you don't agree with me, then you don't believe in global warming.
And if you don't believe in global warming, then nobody is going to die because of it, and the world will probably be a better place without all that grant money being wasted and all that media airtime being spent on the same footage of a glacier cracking.